Honestly, I feel so much better right now. I thought I was going crazy for a while, I was so depressed that all I wanted was to press the pause button on everything. I couldn’t process my own life anymore and I was simply running because…for no reason apart from I was already running.
I’m pretty glad that I’ve always thought saving money was important, I just ordered a 3D Printer, some plant seeds preparing for the next weekly challenge, a new phone the week before, I paid my rent to my parents (small but still something), and I’d brought my folding bike, a stack of books on starting my own business, some new clothes, paid for a family dinner out, met old friends for a weekend in Bath, and materials for some new projects in the past few months. I’m using more money but my bank account is still more than the beginning of the year. Of course, I have just spent half of July working every day, but I still feel energised.
The weekly challenges I have been doing for fundraising, admittedly I don’t understand why people would sponsor me, there’s many more worthwhile causes in the world. But I guess it’s a supporting and kind gesture from people who believe in me? I’ve realised that, yes, I am not the best at design. But I have something a lot of people don’t, I work hard and really put my heart into what I do. I don’t think my family, friends, outsiders, families I work with or my colleagues understand what I mean when I explain that working for the charity is the same type of work as design for me. Someone even tried to explain to me that sometimes people find things they’re better at. No. I know what I’m talking about. I’m not better at teaching a child, there are people that study the hell out of the subject, don’t disrespect those hard-working bubbles. The thing I’m best at is design not teaching and handling children, there are people that study the hell out of the subject, live and breath it (I’m hoping that doesn’t sound wrong here…), just don’t disrespect those hard-working bubbles.
Supporting families and play working requires me articulate myself in a captivating and clear manner, it’s the same as when I have to do presentations or sell an idea. I have to make use of what I see in my immediate surroundings and create interesting things for someone specific, which is user-centered design. I still have to do planning, admin work, and analyse the day and what to do next time, which is research and development.
Support and carer work isn’t my calling, it’s been more of a wake-up call for my calling? I know exactly who I am.